Five Words

It’s said a person needs only three things to be truly happy, and it isn’t sex, drugs, and rock and roll. Those three things are: someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for.

My breakfast table, littered with balled-up paper drafts of word-vomit, had become a shrine to my ineptitude at writing the most important thing in my life: the eulogy of my mother.

For months, I penned meaningless words. Every scribbled attempt annoyed the hell out of me with its failure to relay the spirit of who she was. I had no words, my word-well run dry.

Shoving my chair back, I walked to the grey basalt-and-mortar parapet walls and looked out over the Nyabwishenya. I perched above the Ugandan jungle, looking at the volcanoes, coiled and waiting in the distance. I thought about words.

In the English-speaking world, there are about 250,000 words, excluding medical, obsolete, technical, scientific, and specialist terms. Technically, the longest English word is a mind-numbing 189,819-letter word monster—the name of a single muscle protein.

Setting those word categories aside, the longest non-technical word comes in at a whopping twenty-nine letters: floccinaucinihilipilification. This may be the word whose meaning best describes itself —“the act of estimating as something worthless.”

My attempts at her eulogy were floccinaucinihilipilificatory. Worthless.

Finishing another cappuccino at the parapet, inspiration hit me like a slap upside the head. I quickly typed up an email and sent it out to family and friends. It simply asked, “Please send me five words that you associate with mom.”

Over the next few days, emails pinged into my inbox, each offering five words to sum up what Judy—mom, friend, aunt, grandmother—meant to the sender. Compiling them brought not only peace but also joy.

Resilient. Devoted. Humble. Benevolent. Witty. Irreplaceable. Volunteer. Creative. Diligent. Supportive. Courageous. Advocate. Reliable. Tidy. Fair-minded. Strong. Stubborn. Caring. Cribbage. Inclusive. Pennies. Funny. Brave. Tenacious. Loving. Generous. No nonsense. Integrity. Strong. Organized. Caring. Adopted mom.

Supportive. Understanding. Empathetic. Beautiful. Empowered. Straight-shooter. Welcoming. Feisty. Caring. Determined. Opinionated. Loyal. Tenacious. Just. Cheerful. Helpful. Loving. Brave. Giving. Funny. Responsible. Reliable. Encouraging. Unselfish. Friendly. Advocate. Independent. Practical. Generous. Cheerful. Caring.

Interested. Interesting. Hopeful. Great fingernails. Loving. Compassionate. Gracious. Good-humored. Caring. Devil’s advocate. Tell another story. Wise. Volunteer. Compassionate. Caring. Supportive. Straight-shooter. Advocate. Considerate. Loving though so far away. Strong. Caring. Stellar. Animal lover. Adopting. Adapting. Second mom.

Kind. Patient. Helpful. Strong. Independent. Caring. Forthright. Honest. Dear friend. Lovely. Kind. Family history. Caring. Strong. Courage. Advocate. Funny. Beautiful. Motivational. Loving. Volunteer. Endearing. Positive-minded. Supportive. Kind. Caring. Bad-assed. Tacos!

I imagine she would have been humbled to hear this list if we had shared it with her before she passed. What a legacy to leave in the minds of others. Pondering the list, I considered the type of person whose legacy would be the opposite.

Braggart. Unimaginative. Coward. Cruel. Discouraging. Disloyal. Treacherous. Insincere. Heartless. Dishonest. Selfish. Callous. Obnoxious. Greedy. Divisive. Weak. Whiny. Liar. Narcissist. Petulant. Aggressive. Dismissive. Covetous. Stingy. Imperious.

Thinking about the two extremes, I found myself focusing on patterns rather than people. There’s an old idea—the 80/20 Principle—that suggests a small number of causes often account for a disproportionate share of outcomes. Sitting with those lists, it became clear how the drumbeat of a few loud, corrosive personalities can overwhelm the quieter, steadier ones.

Despite what bombards us endlessly and mercilessly in the news, I believe people are inherently good.

The repeated use of the word “volunteer” struck me. When I was a young girl, my mother’s life expectancy was suddenly reduced to eight years. Eight years, maximum. Amazingly, she became an anomaly in the medical world and lived for another five decades.

I never knew a time when she wasn’t volunteering. She was happiest advocating for those in need and helping others solve problems—whether in schools, senior centers, community groups, the National Kidney Foundation, or simply by showing up for friends and neighbors when life became overwhelming. She was damned efficient and generous with her skills, and she believed deeply in advocating for herself and others.

In the United States, 76 million Americans volunteer an estimated 5 billion hours through organizations such as nonprofits, schools, churches, charities, and food banks. Examples of formal volunteering include serving food at a soup kitchen, coaching, mentoring, tutoring, board service, political canvassing, being a museum guide, and caring for animals at shelters.

Opportunities exist for those who are more adventurous. Search and Rescue (SAR) is one such global effort. A common thread exists across cultures within SAR: Intense training, high personal risk, unpaid service, deep camaraderie, and a strong ethical code: “That others may live.”

Search and Rescue isn’t uniquely American. Different countries may organize it differently, but the impulse is universal: when someone doesn’t come home, people go looking.

Volunteer roles within SAR are wide-ranging. For the curious out there, there are horse teams, drone teams, K9 units, 4x4 off-road teams, technical water and mountain rescue teams, base camp teams, food truck teams, snowmobile and ski teams, tracker teams, family liaison, radio operations, and mission planning.

My brother, Paul, started volunteering with SAR at 18, as soon as he was old enough. He progressed from boots on the ground to a helicopter crew chief. He has rappelled down mountain cliffs, jumped out of helicopters, traversed treacherous glaciers, undertaken swiftwater and mountain rescues, performed emergency first aid, and dived in lakes and swamps with zero visibility. He has searched for murderers on the lam and recovered missing children.

He returned the lost to their jubilant families and wept for those for whom there was no happy ending.

He does this work in ways most of us never will. But the instinct behind it—the willingness to show up for someone else—is not rare.

Informal volunteering is estimated to be around 20 billion hours annually from approximately 109 million volunteers in the United States. This unpaid assistance, the neighbor-to-neighbor, the I-got-your-back volunteering, goes on behind the scenes, out of the spotlight in myriad ways.

Many people would never call themselves volunteers, yet they are the quiet infrastructure of other people’s lives.

Have you ever helped someone with their yard work? Drove someone to their appointment? Taught basic tech skills such as phone, email, or apps? Cooked meals for someone grieving or ill? Performed a neighbor’s house repair? Shoveled their snow? Provided pet care? Gave emotional support or made regular check-ins? Taken someone to cast their ballot? Tutored a child informally? Rescued an animal in distress? Defended someone from a bully? Assisted after a storm or local emergency? Helped someone with an unexpected move? Advocated for someone in an overwhelming situation? Ran errands for someone? Helped someone with bureaucratic forms or other paperwork? Scanned photos so they could have digital memories? Taught classes informally? Provided caregiving during illness or recovery?

Most people who live this way never call it volunteering. They just call it being decent.

Volunteering is one of the few things that consistently crosses generational boundaries—from Gen Z to the Silent Generation.

When you do something for others because you care, because you can, because it is in your heart and not because there is something in it for you, that is the shining example of what we should all aspire to. It is the best trait of being human.

Long before I understood any of this, a silly movie managed to say it better than most serious sources ever have. “Be excellent to one another.”

What are your five words?